


Exactly like I used to

by cats__cradles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 22:04:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats__cradles/pseuds/cats__cradles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean plays golf with his boss, and washes while Lisa dries, on Tuesday's he takes Ben to practice. On most days, when the Sun is out over the clouds, and he's got a list of things to do in his head he doesn't think so much about his dead brother. Or his absent Angel. At night he doesn't think about them again because of the therapeutic, foam mattress Lisa bought him for his bad back. Or on weekends when Lisa's ankles are behind his neck. </p><p>He isn't granted those types of distractions right now though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exactly like I used to

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic! So please leave comments and tips or something. 
> 
> Uh so this story has been in my head since forever, season six or seven didn't happen. Dean lives with Lisa and Ben and Castiel won the war in Heaven. 
> 
> HOPE YOU ENJOY !

Dean's sort of forgotten what it felt like to have a knife pressed against his neck, he feels a sickening sense of nostalgia, but mostly his throat just hurts and he can't help but think about how he didn't unload the dishes like Lisa had asked him to do before she left to pick Ben up from soccer. He debates whether or not he'll have to tell her about this encounter, she's only dealt with the supernatural a handful of times; there was the first time with the changelings, and then a couple times with Crowley after Dean came to live with them. The angels might be gone by the time she gets back, but Lisa has this thing where she hates it when people wear shoes in the house, Dean doesn't know if angels track mud, but he doesn't feel like vacuuming for a second time today. Raphael's blade pokes him a little harder, the entire situation is quite taxing to Dean. He doesn't do this stuff anymore, he hasn't done it for almost two years now, he's normal, he goes to PTA meetings, and plays golf. 

"Let Dean go," Cas's voice is still the same. He sounds like a chain smoker with a promising career in telephone sex. "And maybe I will spare you." 

This is the first time he's seen Cas since Sam jumped into the pit to save mankind, Dean thinks about it, and he knows that he wouldn't have a normal life with his brother. It had to be him, or Sam, but one of them would have to die for the other to be happy. But now isn't the time for that, Dean's too busy fuming over mud tracks, and the fact that he hasn't seen Cas in so god damned long. Sure he's heard about him, from Bobby. Apparently the Angel drops by the grumpy old man's house once in a while for a chit chat. He knows, second hand, that Cas is the new big shit upstairs. Cas told him as much before he left Dean alone in that car, never to show his face again. Dean just wasn't aware that the nerdy angel had enough juice to smite Archangels now. 

He thinks that maybe he deserved a phone call from Heaven. They were pretty much brothers; or not. He normally doesn't like to refer to Cas as that, because it feels wrong. He can deny all the creepy, crawly thoughts to everyone else, but he can't fake it to himself. Cas isn't his brother, far from it. But they were close, they fought together, and bled for each other. Cas starts a war in heaven, Dean learns from Bobby that Cas also wins it. Then Crowley's over his house, appearing at his dinner table telling him that it's because Cas has got 'sex appeal', he doesn't know what any of this means. All he knows is that he's the last one to find all of this out. 

"Don't think for a second that I won't kill him." Raphael makes his point by breaking Dean's skin. He's pretty sure he's going to go ape shit if any such blood gets on the white carpet. Dean's been a black belt in torture, he's a fucking master at it, so he means he will go seriously, ape shit. 

"I'll bring him back," Cas steps closer to them, still avoiding eye contact with Dean. "You can kill him a hundred times over, and I'll still bring him back. But what happens when I get my hands on you?" 

Back, way back, before everything happened, back before when Cass was still almost human, they had trapped Raphael in holy oil. He didn't look scared, or even flinch when the flicker of holy fire illuminated around him, he looked annoyed. This isn't the case now, Dean didn't think that an Archangel could even gulp with that much fear. 

The pressure on his neck is gone, and suddenly it's just him and Cas in his living room. He thinks that maybe they'll go back to normal, Dean will make some pop culture reference and Cas will tilt his head in question. Instead, the angel just turns around and stares at the mantel. There are only a couple pictures up on it, a baby picture of Ben, one of Lisa and Dean, and one of Dean and Ben. Cas turns around, his head lolling slowly from side to side. 

Finally, finally, his eyes go to meet with Dean's. 

"This is...a nice house." 

Dean only has to nod at that. Cas looks very much the same, except a little more worn out. Then there's something about his eyes, Dean can't make sense of it, but there's just something there that wasn't before. He concludes that he looks more like Castiel then Cas.

Castiel the Angel, the Angel who tells him that he will be thrown back to hell the second he becomes un-useful. The memory of hell was still freshly seared into his brain, and Dean had feared him then, just like Raphael fears him now. He assumes that all traces of Jimmy Novak are gone, this body, the holy tax accountant is Castiel's body. An empty vessel. 

Dean suspects there's something off between them, the way they both avoid looking too intently at each other. He's embarrassed when he thinks of that Kings of Leon song. Not that he wants to even know what Kings of Leon is, but Ben's flavour of the week is into some new age shit and Ben makes him listen to it all day long, he usually doesn't like it., yet right now he's thinking of the lyrics. They're singing in his head, the heart ache in the voice, just dripping with wistfulness. 

I want you just exactly like I used to  
And baby this is only bringing me down  
I said I want you just exactly like I used to

Dean doesn't think about the sadness in his life anymore, because he doesn't have any, he's captivated with love and family and consistency. Lisa and Ben full with affection, but when he sees Cas, he remembers the cold darkness, he remembers when everything he touched made him feel like he was bleeding. No, he doesn't think about it anymore, but he seems a form of his old life, the pain, his teeth chattering and his fingers shaking because everything hurts and there's no relief, he sees it all in a pair of blue eyes that hold galaxies and all the world, he sees it in a trench coat and backwards tie, and he knows that just because he doesn't think about it, doesn't mean he doesn't miss it. 

Misses it so much, he'll go back to it without a thought.


End file.
